How did you feel when you looked in the mirror today?
Reflecting on my teen years—jeez, I’m still in teen mode because I just entered my twenties—really, I can’t say that I knew much about self-love or what it entailed. Having more prominent facial features and a darker complexion that did not align with the Eurocentric norm was a challenge I faced growing up. It used to bug me.
Saying it out loud stinks. There is no 101, know-how script on self-love or self-worth, especially for Black girls. If there was, my perspective of myself would have been less harsh back then. Teaching yourself something that is not actively taught requires self-investment and discipline, qualities that were not on my agenda as a teenager.
You find yourself conscripted into a three-way battle between adolescent flourishing, self-discovery and the desire to fit in. How can you “be yourself” when you also want to fit in.
The internalized grenades that came with this fight could have been avoided. Despite already having a bit of confidence, I lacked self-love. Let’s acknowledge that it is more difficult to accept yourself when you realize you don’t fit society’s beauty standards, especially when derogatory prejudices are attached to your body.
Acceptance and Admiration
The word “acceptance” is often used when people talk about self-love. Even though I’ve tried to put it into practice, the whole approach just rubs me the wrong way. Acceptance, to me, goes beyond the mere thought of, “Oh, well that’s who I am, and I guess that’s what I have to deal with”.
Let me explain: In my view, acceptance means coming to terms with things and just seeing them for what they are—as simply as 1+1=2. We accept the answer as 2 because it just is and it is logical. However, when it comes down to yourself, accepting logical facts isn’t enough to help you love yourself. Call it an unpopular opinion.
So what’s my suggestion, then? Convert acceptance into admiration! Once more: Convert acceptance to admiration… OF YOURSELF!
Admiration comes from within! What you feel inside shines out to the world; therefore, your mental health is also as important as caring about your appearance. So, I just started to become my own admirer, doing things for myself. Trust me, it’s the little things that boost self esteem like trying new hair products for my curls, unfollowing IG influencers that do not resonate with me or represent any of my physical features, tapping more into my heritage and culture, or simply treating myself with snacks.
Admiring yourself doesn’t make you self-obsessed or self-centred. You will start to comprehend that you come uniquely in your one body with its unique skin complexion, heritage and hair texture, with all its features. This gives way to an appreciation of its singular divinity. Certainly, some days it will be harder than others to admire “yourself”.
That’s another point. It’s not as if embarking on the path of self-confidence and self-love will keep you on a 24/7 high. There will be tougher days, perhaps tougher weeks (or even longer), but making it through them only adds to that journey. If I sound like a motivational coach, it’s because I’ve become my own coach.
I don’t get preachy about affirmations but I will say that telling yourself that you look good while getting ready for the day is an incredible help! Don’t deny that you have had moments where you caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and thought, “Um, yes, hello, we are looking good today!“ And, yes, if I want to change something, I can, but I want to admire what I have and not talk it down the whole time. “This growth is for me and not you”—that needs to be internalized.
